Not What I Seem To Be
by unsatisfiedcustomer
Summary: Grissom reaches out to the person who used to be his best friend, but has since drifted away. Can he get this person to talk to him and can he reach out without feeling guilty? Sucky summary, I know. Mentions of GSR. Friendship, but I won't tell you who.


I'm happy for Grissom and Sara. I really am. And I'm glad that they are staying in touch. I'm also happy that Lindsey seems happy with her new boyfriend. I'm happy for Greg, Nick, and Warrick, who are hanging out more often since Warrick, well actually, each of them, almost died. However, I've never been invited. They've always had their "boys' night out" festivities and fun that only a man would find fun. I'm glad that they are so close. And sometimes we all get together for breakfast and talk. Every now and then, we have dinner together and discuss our latest case. We always have a good time, even Gil.

But the fun never lasts. I have to come home. Sometimes, to an empty house because Lindsey is away on a sleepover at her best friend's house. Rarely do I get any phone calls unrelated to work. I spend my nights alone. Sometimes accompanied by nothing more than a bottle of expensive wine that I must drink alone because there is no one here to share it with. I think about my daughter and how quickly she has grown up and how much she's been through. She is so resilient. She seems to have gotten over all of the nightmares and fears she had after the kidnapping. She still misses her father, but that's totally normal. And it's fine with me. I miss him, too. I also miss my own father. I still have nightmares where I see him die in my arms. Again. Then I wake up.

Regardless of my pain, I'm thoroughly excited about my mother's wedding. She wouldn't choose a maid of honor between me and my sister, although Nancy wouldn't be a "maid." So, we are both bride's maids. Her fiancé is very nice and Lindsey loves him. Despite being completely happy for her, I can't help but be insanely jealous that my 72-year-old mother is getting re-married before me. Sure, she looks great for her age, but I do, too, don't I? I need someone to be there for me, too. I really am ecstatic about all the wonderful things happening in the lives of my "family." However, in terms of "happiness," they are passing me by. Because while I'm happy for them, I'm not happy with the way my life's going.

Maybe there is just something about me that scares men away. I guess my job doesn't exactly help my love life. Maybe if I started dating people who had no reason to be afraid of cops or other law enforcement officials, I'd be more successful. Oh well, maybe I'll just give up on my search for someone to love and be loved by. I guess it's useless. If I really think about it, I have a wonderful life; a beautiful daughter, friends whom I can count on, a fantastic job, and a mother and sister who would do anything for Lindsey and me.

There's always a _**but**_. But, I'm not happy. I want to be able to look at my life and my awesome family and say "I love my life and I'm happy." I feel self-centered and selfish saying that I'm not happy when I have so much to be thankful for. And maybe I am. I do thank God for my family and my home and my job. But maybe, somehow, I am also blaming him for all the people I've lost and all the relationships that have soured. Even though, I know, it's not his **fault**. 'Everything happens for a reason' I tell myself. But myself won't believe me, though deep down I know it's true.

My phone rings, jerking me violently from my thoughts. I answer it with a simple "Hello." It's Grissom. I'm being called in. So, I call my daughter and tell her that I should be home sometime soon after she gets back from her school trip. No matter how much we fight, that girl can always make me smile. When she says she loves me, I can't help but smile.

I meet Grissom at the address he's given me. I know that he can tell that I'm having a kind of off day by the way he delicately 'orders' me to take the perimeter of a scene that was a little much for just one CSI, yet a very light load for two. Therefore, it should be a quick case. We gather plenty of evidence and take it back to the lab. He rides with me instead of one of the cops, whom he rode with on the way there. His SUV is currently in the garage.

* * *

Sara. Sara is the only thing that occupies my mind as Catherine and I head back to the lab. Sara. I miss her so much, but she is happy. That means that, despite my need to see her, I am happy for her. And from the way she talks when we're on the phone, someday she's gonna visit. I sure hope so. I love Sara more than life itself.

I turn my attention to the woman beside me. She and I used to be good friends, but we've drifted apart in the last few years. We're still friends, just not quite as close as we used to be. Now, as I watch her, I observe the changes in her appearance. She looks tired, yet just as beautiful as always. She has aged in the past few years, but she still doesn't look her age. I also notice that her skin has become paler. Her eyes are still vibrant, but have lost a fraction of the life they once captured. I love Catherine, but I'm not in love with her. And I don't love her in the same way that I love my Sara. Sara is my soul mate, the love of my life, while Catherine is someone that I love to spend time with and work cases with because she is so tenacious and committed, which makes her the ideal CSI if you want the case solved, at all costs. At the moment, she is leaning against the window with her head resting on her hand as she drives. I can tell something is bothering her, so I take this as my cue to find out what it is.

"Cath?" She looks at me with almost no expression on her face. "Is something bothering you?"

"No," She lies, shaking her head.

"Catherine Willows, don't lie to me." Something happens to her when I use her full name. It's almost as if she winces at the sound of it.

"I'm not." She says through gritted teeth. She opens her mouth as if she is about to say something, but obviously cannot form the words, so she repeats herself. "I'm not."

"Are you sure? You seem kind of distant." I pry a little more, hoping to get a rise out of her. I might possibly start a fight. I know from experience that starting a fight with Catherine gets her to a point where she can't help but tell you what's bothering her because a part of it slips out and she knows that if you already know part of the problem, it will cause you to spend time pondering what the rest of it is. She's just complex like that. Her complexity is really fascinating. Never have I met someone who was so misunderstood, even by me. People often think that this woman is unbreakable because nothing that she's been through seems to faze her. That is far from the truth.

"Listen, Cath. I don't want to start a fight, but I'm going to have to if you don't tell me what's wrong." I tell her.

"Why do you care?" Her words surprise me, but don't shock me.

"You're my friend, Catherine. I don't like seeing you so distant and reserved."

"It's nothing. Just-" She abruptly stops.

"What?"

"Nothing. Never mind."

"Catherine Willows." She cringes again, causing me to wonder why the sound of her own name is making her so… uncomfortable.

"What?!" She raises her voice, though she is not yelling. I honestly don't think she has the energy to yell.

"Why do you flinch at the sound of your full name?" I ask before thinking. I'm sure that I may have gone too far with her.

"What?" She suddenly looks confused, defensive, and scared all at the same time.

"You heard me."

"I'm sorry, Grissom." She always calls me Gil when we're alone.

"Gil."

"Huh?"

"You always call me Gil when it's just the two of us."

"Oh. Yeah, sorry."

"You don't have to apologize." I don't even know what she's apologizing for. "Just please tell me what's got you so…flustered. And why did you flinch when I said your name?"

"I don't know. I just-I don't know." She pauses for a moment and I decide that if I prod her anymore, she probably will change the subject. "It's the 'Willows' part. I don't even know what my last name should be! I know I can't change it, now, but what should it be? Willows is Eddie's last name."

"Well, what was your last name before? Flynn, wasn't it?"

"Yes, but…Should it have been Flynn? Or should I have been 'Catherine Braun?'" She looks at me with eyes that hold a certain emotion that I didn't think was possible for this strong-minded woman: bewilderment. Sure, I've seen her confused and bewildered by a case, but it never reached her eyes. I've never seen her so confused about who she was and what she was. It scares me, now.

"I don't know, Catherine. I guess, it should have been Braun, technically, but does it really matter? You are Catherine Willows, now, and that name suits you."

"I-I'm sorry. I know it's silly. Just a momentary lapse." That's not all. There's something deeper going on with her.

"I understand. Now tell me what else is bothering you." She doesn't reply for quite some time. We only have about five minutes before we arrive at the lab, so I'm unusually thankful for the traffic we get stuck in.

"I'm happy for you and Sara, Gil." Her answer confuses me even more.

"Thank you. I'm happy, also."

"Lindsey's got a boyfriend, now. And my mother is getting married next month." I now understand, at least somewhat, what is bothering her so much.

"That's fantastic."

"Yeah. It is. And I'm ecstatic for them, but I can't understand why I feel so-"

"Left behind." I cut her off and continue her sentence. She nods sadly.

"I shouldn't be so selfish, I know that. I really am happy for you, Gil. And for Lindsey and my mom. I'm sorry." Why did she just apologize?

"For what?" She looks at me and I recognize a new emotion: longing.

"For being so self-centered."

"Catherine, pull over." She does as she's told and I almost regret telling her what to do because I'm not used to seeing her obey without argument or discussion. I turn her towards me, but she refuses to look in my eyes. "I know I've chastised you before where men are concerned, but you don't deserve this."

"Don't deserve what?" She finally looks up at me and, although it's not directly into my eyes, the look makes me feel slightly more confident.

"To feel like you are wrong in wanting someone to love you."

Apparently, that is what has been bothering her. This Catherine, sitting in front of me, is a far cry from the one I know and love. This one is about to cry despite her best efforts not to. I am becoming slightly nervous, now, because if she does cry, I won't know whether to hug her or no. I guess I have to decide now because the last of the resolve just broke and she is now in tears.

* * *

No one was meant to find out that I wasn't happy. I am always so great at hiding my emotions, so why did someone who used to be so easy to fool figure out that something was bothering me? I can't believe that I am now sobbing like the weak person that I am and, finally reverting back to the real Grissom, he just sits there and stares at me. I wonder if he knows that the only thing worse than crying alone is crying in front of someone who just sits there and does nothing.

I can't stay in here with him. I open the door and walk away from my SUV to a nearby tree. Leaning against it, I try desperately to stop crying, but I fail miserably. I vaguely see Gil get out of the car and walk over to me. He puts a hand on my shoulder, which does little more than reassure me that he did follow me. Unexpectedly, he pulls me into a hug and I realize that he is capable of being a good friend.

"You better not tell Sara about this." He whispers.

* * *

She almost laughs at my attempt at a joke. After mentioning Sara, I remember what I had wanted to tell Catherine before I realized that something was bothering her. I decide not to tell her right now, though. I don't think that she could handle hearing about my romantic and sappy engagement story. That's like rubbing it in her face and I can't do that to her.

We stay in the same position for about five minutes. She finally starts to calm down and I pull away from her, which is obviously not what she wanted because she looks hurt by my actions. So I pull her back into a hug. I had forgotten what it felt like to hug someone as nothing more than a friend. I'm glad that I was the one who reached out to her and got to see a vulnerable side to her because she taught me how to be a friend again. Finally, she pulls away.

"Are you okay?" I ask her softly.

"Yeah. Thank you, Gil." She smiles at me. For the first time in awhile, her smile is real. Not just a lie to make it seem like she's okay. It's sincere and it's sincerity makes me feel wonderful.

"You're welcome. Anytime you need a friend, I'm here." She smiles again and I know that I really can be a friend without feeling like I'm doing wrong by Sara.


End file.
